So I was sitting there e-mailing my best friend at first just sending song lyrics because well sometimes we do that. I guess I was trying to lighten the mood, my mood. My Grams is in the hospital, long story short, the prognosis is not good and she will not make it out. Thing is, she's not been well since her stroke. Lately she was placed in a home (inside the very same hospital she's in now, in fact she's back in her room now) and gained alot of water weight (by alot I mean 50 lbs). So we all knew the day would come. You have to understand, my Grams is super special to me and well to everyone in the family really. But yeah, super special, she's my best friend, my biggest supporter, my mentor. She tought alot about being a Pagan, in fact she was the reason I became a Witch and she tought me how to manage my gifts ( I am an Empath/Psychic/Medium, just like her). So yeah, sitting there with my grief trying to be strong. My friend always knows what's up with me and she started asking me about the tiff I had with my husband when I decided to stay home three days, because the news devastated me. Yes, it did and that's the truth, even with me knowing the day would come. I mean the tiff was not too bad when it happened, it's after when I tried explaining my feelings. We have some communication issues sometimes, as do every couple I guess. But then it escalated and I bursted... Badly. I was so damn angry, I wanted to break stuff, I wanted to punch him in the face. I had been angry before but not this angry and I blamed it on my grief at the time.
You see this year I promised myself I would work on me, my insecurities, my communication skills, my self confidence.Things were going good, or so I thought. But my friend, she knows me too well maybe because we been friends for 30 some odd years. What she does is she asks me questions, to which at first I get defensive but then those questions force me, on after thought, to look at me in my deepest core. Sitting at work in front of my computer, she asked me questions. I answered, at first without thought, then with thought. I understood, for the first time at 35, that I, Kim (that's my name), was not letting myself feel my emotions, I was not feeling them at 100%. And the worst, I have been doing this my whole life. I will cry a bit, then stop myself and then move past it, but I don't. I don't get past it, I bottle it up until I explode, I spew my anger, hate, sadness onto others. But why? why do I do this. EUREKA breakthrough!!! I do this because I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want anyone to know that I am not ok, because to me being vulnerable is weak. I know it's not, it's allowing ppl to see the whole you. And I realize now that I was only loving half of me, not all of me.
This is a big breakthrough for me, very big. Now I know what I have to work on, really work on. To love all of me, even the part that is vulnerable because she needs tending too, because she deserves it. My Grams eventual passing and the grief that it brings, brought on my other griefs that I never really got over, all the emotions that I never allowed myself to feel. Oh my Great Goddess how I am happy for this. Breakthrough at last. I'm no were near done working with myself, this is only the beginning. The great beginning to my self discovery or recovery. So this blog is a journal for me, for you all who are going through the same things. This is my journey to ME.
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