I lost my Grams this week on Tuesday 3rd of June. It was tough, really tough. But I guess because of my previous eureka moment, I remembered to allow myself to grieve, to be vulnerable and strong. I went over to my aunt (which my mom is staying with) yesterday and two other of my aunts were there. Picking songs and pictures for the funeral. I felt privileged to be there and to be asked my opinion. We all cried at one point or another and we also cried together. Being vulnerable, grieving together. As a family. For the first time in my life I now know what being strong but vulnerable at the same time is. I wasn't ashamed of my feelings, I just let them come. It was liberating. I know I am not done grieving but at least I am allowing myself to live it. Allowing myself to heal. I am happy about this because it is good progress. Can you imagine what I have repressed and denied myself over the years? Phew!! I can breath now.
Progress is not measured with a clock. It is personal to each and everyone of us, as long as I am walking forward then I'm not stuck. There is nothing worse than being stuck. I want to grow, I want to go forward with my gifts and help others, help myself. It's not going to be an easy journey I know that and I am looking forward to it. Bring it on!!
Friday, 6 June 2014
Tuesday, 3 June 2014
The beginning...
So I was sitting there e-mailing my best friend at first just sending song lyrics because well sometimes we do that. I guess I was trying to lighten the mood, my mood. My Grams is in the hospital, long story short, the prognosis is not good and she will not make it out. Thing is, she's not been well since her stroke. Lately she was placed in a home (inside the very same hospital she's in now, in fact she's back in her room now) and gained alot of water weight (by alot I mean 50 lbs). So we all knew the day would come. You have to understand, my Grams is super special to me and well to everyone in the family really. But yeah, super special, she's my best friend, my biggest supporter, my mentor. She tought alot about being a Pagan, in fact she was the reason I became a Witch and she tought me how to manage my gifts ( I am an Empath/Psychic/Medium, just like her). So yeah, sitting there with my grief trying to be strong. My friend always knows what's up with me and she started asking me about the tiff I had with my husband when I decided to stay home three days, because the news devastated me. Yes, it did and that's the truth, even with me knowing the day would come. I mean the tiff was not too bad when it happened, it's after when I tried explaining my feelings. We have some communication issues sometimes, as do every couple I guess. But then it escalated and I bursted... Badly. I was so damn angry, I wanted to break stuff, I wanted to punch him in the face. I had been angry before but not this angry and I blamed it on my grief at the time.
You see this year I promised myself I would work on me, my insecurities, my communication skills, my self confidence.Things were going good, or so I thought. But my friend, she knows me too well maybe because we been friends for 30 some odd years. What she does is she asks me questions, to which at first I get defensive but then those questions force me, on after thought, to look at me in my deepest core. Sitting at work in front of my computer, she asked me questions. I answered, at first without thought, then with thought. I understood, for the first time at 35, that I, Kim (that's my name), was not letting myself feel my emotions, I was not feeling them at 100%. And the worst, I have been doing this my whole life. I will cry a bit, then stop myself and then move past it, but I don't. I don't get past it, I bottle it up until I explode, I spew my anger, hate, sadness onto others. But why? why do I do this. EUREKA breakthrough!!! I do this because I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want anyone to know that I am not ok, because to me being vulnerable is weak. I know it's not, it's allowing ppl to see the whole you. And I realize now that I was only loving half of me, not all of me.
This is a big breakthrough for me, very big. Now I know what I have to work on, really work on. To love all of me, even the part that is vulnerable because she needs tending too, because she deserves it. My Grams eventual passing and the grief that it brings, brought on my other griefs that I never really got over, all the emotions that I never allowed myself to feel. Oh my Great Goddess how I am happy for this. Breakthrough at last. I'm no were near done working with myself, this is only the beginning. The great beginning to my self discovery or recovery. So this blog is a journal for me, for you all who are going through the same things. This is my journey to ME.
You see this year I promised myself I would work on me, my insecurities, my communication skills, my self confidence.Things were going good, or so I thought. But my friend, she knows me too well maybe because we been friends for 30 some odd years. What she does is she asks me questions, to which at first I get defensive but then those questions force me, on after thought, to look at me in my deepest core. Sitting at work in front of my computer, she asked me questions. I answered, at first without thought, then with thought. I understood, for the first time at 35, that I, Kim (that's my name), was not letting myself feel my emotions, I was not feeling them at 100%. And the worst, I have been doing this my whole life. I will cry a bit, then stop myself and then move past it, but I don't. I don't get past it, I bottle it up until I explode, I spew my anger, hate, sadness onto others. But why? why do I do this. EUREKA breakthrough!!! I do this because I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want anyone to know that I am not ok, because to me being vulnerable is weak. I know it's not, it's allowing ppl to see the whole you. And I realize now that I was only loving half of me, not all of me.
This is a big breakthrough for me, very big. Now I know what I have to work on, really work on. To love all of me, even the part that is vulnerable because she needs tending too, because she deserves it. My Grams eventual passing and the grief that it brings, brought on my other griefs that I never really got over, all the emotions that I never allowed myself to feel. Oh my Great Goddess how I am happy for this. Breakthrough at last. I'm no were near done working with myself, this is only the beginning. The great beginning to my self discovery or recovery. So this blog is a journal for me, for you all who are going through the same things. This is my journey to ME.
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